Being Friends With Guys on the Interwebs

I have about as many male as female friends, in my life and on Facebook. And a lot of the men are either the spouses or significant others of my female friends. But not a huge percentage. Most of them are just friends that I've accumulated along the course of my life. We've never dated or been romantically involved in any way. We're just friends. By the same token, Chef Boyfriend has a really large number of female friends on his list and in his life. I'm assuming that he would have told me if there had ever been any kind of romantic shenanigans with any of them, but really, I don't much care. I'm the one in his bed. I'm the one that gets to eat the awesome dinners. I get my back rubbed and I get to pick the movies. So it's all good.

I do have a point, and I'm getting to it. Here it is. Most of these people can mix with each other and be respectful. They understand boundaries. They get that I'm in a serious, long-term, most likely permanent relationship, and therefore they behave like human beings (except for the very rare occasions when they are drunk posting, but that usually happens long after I've gone to bed and they usually get up, shame-faced, way before I see it and remove it, so I get my hilarity from my other friends telling me about it later). His female friends do the same. There's no double-entendre remarks designed to make me feel bad, or make me feel suspicious (it wouldn't work anyway, because I trust him implicitly and I know he'd never cheat on me).

But then there's the one or two that just don't know how to act. I'm talking about MY friends now. The men. One or two of them. I don't know if they think they're funny, or if they think that because they've known me a while they have the right to be disrespectful of my relationship and to my man, or what it is. But no matter how many times I tell them, they insist on saying stupid shit - and then claiming that it wasn't stupid shit and they didn't mean it that way. Dude, yes you did. You said, "Wow Mo, I would love to motorboat your titties." There's really no other way to take that. And it's not okay. It is in no way okay for you to make crude sexual remarks to me on my wall, or in person, where not only my family and coworkers but THE MAN THAT I LOVE can see them. It's not like you're in my photo album and you come across a picture and you say, "Wow, Mo, you look great in this one." That's okay. That's even good stuff. Chef Boyfriend appreciates that, even, because he thinks I'm beautiful even when I have the flu. But motorboating remarks (wtf does that even MEAN?) are not okay. Double entendres that are so thin you could read the NY Times through them? Again, not okay. 

I like to think that men and women can be friends, and so far I've been right about that. Most of my men friends are awesome. I can't have the same kinds of conversations with them that I have with my women friends - they really don't want to hear about tampons and shit - but that doesn't mean we can't have fun chats. I would be pretty hurt if I saw a conversation about some sexual thing or other between Chef Boyfriend and one of his female friends (or worse, one of MY female friends). I expect he would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.

Then there's the "this is a romantic comment but it's not a romantic comment but it is but it's not stop reading shit into what I say but it is but it's not" crap. If you need a therapist, go get one. I'm not her. I didn't want to date you 10 years ago, I don't want to date you now. I AM NOT AVAILABLE. More not okay: It is not okay to send me PM's trying to get me to talk about your dick. Or about sex in general. It is not okay to send me PM's telling me how horny you are and how hot you've always thought I was. It is not okay for you to do any of that.

If you're taking this blog post personally, there's probably a really good reason for that. Don't leave a bunch of emo comments on my blog, or on my Facebook. Because I'm either going to delete them, delete you, or leave them, link them and laugh. Just please. Respect my relationship. I would never disrespect the significant other in your life. Don't do it to mine.