When something shitty happens to someone I love more than life itself, it makes me partially insane. And that happened last night. Fortunately, I've been sober for a few 24's, so I had the tools to settle down enough to talk to a couple of people and they got me focused. And it worked out okay. But now, I feel like a bad luck charm in the life of the person I would literally (I hate that word as much as you guys, but sorry, it's appropriate) take a bullet for.
When I met Awesomechef, his life was chaos-free. And ever since I dragged my midget-sized tornado of a life into his, it seems that bad shit is always happening to him. I had it brought to my attention this morning. Damn my head for being constantly "on." I drank coffee and thought about it. And although there is so much love, there's also so much shit. And it's because of me, or at least it feels like it is. I have Stewie in my head:
I want to fix everything. I want him to laugh when I talk. He seems to not want to talk to me at all. And I can't talk anyway, really, because there's a boulder in my throat.
I'm consumed with fear. I'm trying to laugh it off. I really didn't do anything to cause what happened yesterday (the details are not important). But then again, I feel like I did. Because I was the one that needed him to be in a certain place at a certain time, and if it wasn't for me and my fucked up medical issues, he would just have come home after work and that would have been the end of it. So yeah. Kind of my fault.
I'm afraid of what the outcome is going to be. I just wanted to make him happy. That's all I want now. And it feels like I'm not doing my job.
I'll go to a meeting tonight and drag one of my girls out the parking lot and unload this. I just feel like crying right now. I hate this. I hate fear. I don't do it well.
Sorry this wasn't funny. I'll be funny later. Stay tuned.
Namaste.
Just remember - being there for you, and with you is his choice. Because he cares about you. It's not a one-sided situation. It's not just your shitstorm or his, it belongs to both of you because you both choose to be there together. And it's not anyone's fault. Bad things happen to good people.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jenn. I know that intellectually. But you know how id-driven I am.
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