I Wake Up To The Sound Of Music, Mother Mary Comes To Me

Many of you know that I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and lots of my blog posts are about that, in some way or another (when I'm not plotting to steal ER items for craft projects). This one is about the spiritual awakening part of that recovery. But don't be scared. It won't be all religious and shit.

The last week has been horrific, to say the least, and today is Saturday, my day to clean and write and work on one of my independent contractor projects. Since Awesomechef switched jobs, my Saturday starts at 5 a.m. but he gets home earlier now, like by 4 pm when it's still light out. But I have been lax in my blogging so I need to post this.

We spent yesterday just being with each other. No Facebooking (well, not much, but I have to play my games, I need my Sims bonuses yo - don't judge me). It was beautiful out so we walked to the store. We bought some stuff. We got groceries and had a completely indulgent lunch that made us so full we couldn't cook the steaks for dinner. We watched movies. He napped while I sat through "Exorcist The Beginning" and then I put on "Bound" and woke him up cause, you know, all that sex...

Anyway, we went to bed early because of his early rise. And while I was lying curled up in his arms, the Hail Mary started going through my head. And I didn't consciously make it stop. And it made me feel calm. And happy.

Lots of you also know that I have not aligned myself with conventional religious practices. I don't discuss my spirituality much because I consider it a private matter. I was raised Roman Catholic. I took Latin and I'm not that old. And I've always loved the rituals of the Church  but I could not abide the rules and the restrictions and the sexism, so I left. But I have never discounted the existence of a Higher Power. I have so much proof in my life that there is someone watching out for me, Goddess, Horned God, whoever. I have been lifted from deadly situations and cradled in the palm of someone greater. So taking that step about making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as we understand him. Or her. Whatever.

Anyway. After the prayer stopped in my head, I started thinking about going to Mass maybe. I don't know why, and I probably won't do it because I've been so far removed from that, I wouldn't feel welcome or comfortable. Maybe it's just because it's Palm Sunday. Maybe it's because I played Mary Magdalene in Superstar and I feel compelled to visit at Easter tide. I have no idea. But today, I feel so much like there is a presence around me. It's palpable. I feel like all those I loved and lost are here, too, watching out for me, trying to comfort me.  I don't feel scared or panicky today. I feel at peace.

I know I sound like a kook, you guys. And maybe it's the sleep deprivation or the meds. I have no idea. But I also have no desire to fight it. I feel like crying with the joy I feel. Because no matter how hard things get, I am blessed with a wonderful man who gave me a home in his arms. I am blessed with a family. And so, I am going to mend some things today, or at least put that in motion.

My sister and I have not spoken in years. She has my kids part time due to a custody agreement. She is angry at me over what I did when I was using and drinking. She has every right to be. She loves my girls like they are her own, and she and her husband raised them when I could not. But our relationship is fractured and she wants to keep the kids from me. Because of her anger. And I miss my sister. She's my SISTER. So, one of us has to make a move out of love and not anger. And since I do love her, I will make that move. Because aside from the kid situation, I want my sister in my life, in whatever way I can have her. And my brother. Whom I shall call later, when it's a decent hour for a Saturday. And my mom. I have been so disconnected from my family. And that's bad. My mom is older. She is not well. And I have left her all alone in a nursing home. Because I get busy. But she needs to know how much I love her. 

So I am feeling like today, I can do better. I can BE better. And I will be.

Namaste.