Why I Have Decided That Marriage Does Not Completely Suck as An Institution (And I Probably BELONG In an Institution But Whatever)

I used to be the person you could rely on to drive past a happy couple coming out of a church and scream out the car window, "You can still get an annulment!" Or if I saw them going IN, I would scream, "Don't do it! You can BUY YOUR OWN CHINA!" 

I wasn't always so cynical about marriage. It's just that if I have failed miserably at something, I get mad at the thing I failed at. And I am a failure as a wife. I'm not at all domestic. I believe that if you dropped the fucking donut, you should pick it up or else it's going to be a sculpture. Which is not good for my OCD because I lose sleep over the mess. I just hate cleaning. I want a maid.

But being domestic isn't the only thing I'm not good at. I suck to live with. I'm moody and irritable and I need back rubs and cuddling kind of regularly, or else I feel like I'm not attractive. I act like I don't give a shit when Awesomechef clearly notices an attractive 21 year old, or says "Ooof" when Megan Fox bends over in those shorts in Transformers (and let's face it, I would do Megan Fox, but she has those fucked up thumbs and I pointed that out to him and he has a hand issue so I effectively ruined her for him - or so he says). But even though I'm acting like I don't give a shit, I do. It hurts my feelings and it makes me compare myself to the 21 year old and I am always found wanting. I'm too short. I'm shaped like an apple. I talk too much and I have no filters. I can be taken out in public and act civil because that is how I was brought up. But let's face it, what I'm doing is collecting snark to use later.

I am totally insecure. And the reason? Because of our situation, he can leave at any time with no problem. I have serious abandonment issues. I don't want him to leave. Ever. But I don't want to tell him that and look like a clingy asshole. I CAN take care of myself, and I don't need a man or a relationship to define me, but that's not what this is about. This is about love. I love him. More than anything, ever. And that is the reason I don't think marriage-type things suck so much.


This is not an internet proposal. I would never do that, and we already had this discussion. But lately, I've been thinking that a public declaration of your love, like a wedding or a handfasting, is just an awesome way to celebrate that rare, rare thing called love. To stand in front of your people and declare, "This is the person I would die for. I want the whole world to know how amazed I am that I found him, and that he will wake up next to me every day, and that I fall in love again every time I look in his eyes." It's a celebration of an amazing and rare and beautiful thing.

So I'm going to stop screaming at brides. I'm also going to tell my mother to throw out my old wedding dress. Because that last tie to my failure is psychically stopping me from fully celebrating the joy I feel every morning when I wake up and see this amazing man next to me. Married or not. It's time to jump in with both feet.