Not The Post You Thought It Would Be

Yes, I know that today is the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I am fully aware of what's going on in my home city and I think we all know what an asshole I think Bloomberg is. But this post is not gonna be about that. This post is gonna be about something else. Consider me your break from misery. I am willing to be called callous and insensitive and take one for the team if it means you get to stop thinking about this shit today. Because I love my friends and readers and I want you to be happy.

So. Today we're going to talk about my upstairs neighbor, Lumpy The Wonder Pig, who also happens to be my landlord's daughter. This is not going to be in any way kind. It's not that kind of relationship. Just a little heads up.

I am not by nature a mean person, and I detest prejudice in all its many ugly forms. I am also aware that making fun of the overweight is the last "acceptable" prejudice. You cannot (and of course SHOULD not) say The N Word, but it's okay to make fat jokes. Except it's really not. It's never okay to make people feel bad about themselves. It's not okay to make fun of someone because of their appearance. It's not okay to be a mean fuck.

Really though? This bitch is going to drive me insane. 

First of all, she is not a small girl. She is BIG. I mean like linebacker big. And she has wood floors. And I swear to ass she clog dances on those floors. On Sunday mornings. At 5 a.m.  Directly over our bed. It wakes me every week without fail, all the clomping and stomping. Whether she is really clog dancing or merely going through her morning routine (I hear tell she's a really good Catholic and goes to Mass every week, before coming home and being nasty and uncharitable to everyone around her, I guess her interpretation of Jesus' philosophy), it's noisy as hell and incredibly rude. 

The bitch doesn't like me, and I'm okay with that. She's been snarky to me since the first time I came here to visit Christopher, and she got progressively snarkier after I moved in. We had a brief interlude of peace, during which time I took every ounce of energy I possessed and went out of my way to talk to the bitch. She was almost friendly for about two months there. But then I called 911 when I needed an ambulance and it's been all downhill after that. Because God forbid I get to the hospital when she's trying to watch TV. Apparently the noise and the lights fucked up her NCIS marathon. I'm SO TERRIBLY SORRY. Don't you have a DVR? So now, she's back to hating me.


 I still haven't quite figured out why she hated me on sight, but I know she did. And I really believe it had to do with the fact that she is one of those overweight women who has allowed society's expectations and the nastiness of other people to shape her view of herself and the people around her, and to make judgments about them prior to getting to know them, much the way I'm sure she assumes people are doing to her. The bitch hates me because I'm skinny. And that's the truth. And I don't hate her because of her weight - I hate her because she's a miserable twat. She never smiles. She never goes anywhere and she never has company - except, of course, for her parents and her brother, who are also miserable twats. If misery loves company, it also breeds it. 


I guess I should feel sorry for the bitch. I mean after all, she's fat, over 40, unattractive and living alone. I KNOW she's not getting any. Just because she's a bitch is no reason I have to be one back. But I don't feel sorry for her. I just want to get a shotgun and blow a hole in my bedroom ceiling when I hear her clomping around up there. I imagine if I hit her fridge she would probably drop dead on the spot. I don't feel sorry for her because we choose whether or not to be miserable twats, and she does it to herself.

However, the next time I'm getting righteously laid at 2 a.m., rather than be quiet about it, I think I'll scream "Ride me big daddy" or "Oh GOD I love anal" at the top of my lungs. See how SHE likes getting woke ahead of time.

God bless America, and have a nice day.